YESSSS

The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day. That is real freedom. That is being educated, and understanding how to think. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default setting, the rat race, the constant gnawing sense of having had, and lost, some infinite thing

Bootyfool

Well, well, well

Time to get "real". I'm revisiting the last year of my life and how affected I've been by what I'd have to say is the greatest heartbreak I've experienced. It's amazing how a little over 2 months can completely divert the course of an entire year. I've questioned myself, I've questioned others and I've really had to take time to myself to figure out how to move on. Mind over matter has been the most difficult lesson to learn this year. Above anything though, I've learned the power of relying on people, the power of the self to learn how to make it through difficult times and the power of one's own heart.
Funny how a year ago, I thought I'd met someone I could "really be with" and was in a trance, a complete & joyous trance. I remember breaking out into tears at one point thinking how scared I was to lose that feeling but how happy I was to have it. And then when/if you do lose it, you're forever changed. You realize how much is at stake after that happens. I feel so shut off from opening up again. I'm so terrified knowing that I gave my heart to the wrong person and wishing I could go back and do that piece over...he didn't deserve this much of me and he still doesn't. I could go on about that forever though, what really matters is now and how I am going to move forward. It's easy to be preoccupied with "stuff" but I think what I need is to be preoccupied with "stuff" that matters to me and things that make me feel like I'm doing better in the world. Volunteering again, taking trips and cooking, loving without reserve to everyone I encounter, trying to rebuild the confidence I lost over the last year.
What'a whirlwind of a year...loving, hating, growing pains, learning, I can only hope that in my 27th year I get to experience the fruit of these life lessons learned and can actually apply them to my life rather than just experience them.

"i'm not gay i'm bilaaariooouuusss"

I was looking through my documents on my work computer when I came across a file called "Things I...", when I opened the document this is what I found inside:
Things I’ve Learned from Living in Oakland
1.) Crackheads are (mostly) harmless unless you leave valuables unlocked. 90% of the time they’ll just state the obvious in broken English.
2.) Any Oakland sports teams will indubitably have the most obnoxious fans known to mankind.
3.) It’s possible to find a dad in his 40’s from Berkeley (escaping the bonds of his sustainable, PC bitch Berkeley wife) reading a Nicholas Sparks novel in an Oakland café.
4.) Tumbleweave is spotted on almost every block of San Pablo Ave.
5.) AC Transit drivers are fucking erratic, angry ex crackheads that should probably still be smoking crack: if you’ve found your happy place just remain there and not behind a wheel driving innocent patrons.

Hmmmmmm...on that note

All I Want Is You

When is enough, enough? When is not enough, enough? I wish I could answer these questions myself. I still clutch for this person in the night and in the morning. No matter how poorly I was treated, no matter how fucked up everything that happened was, it still doesn't take away from the mere fact that all I want is said subject. For the last month, I've felt like an old building being demolished by a ball and crane, repeatedly. Just when I think I've made the right decision and I feel strong enough to stand again, all of these thoughts reinforce the feeling that I've lost something so dear to me, a friend, a companion, a great love. And with that positive reinforcement tags along so many unanswered questions: was it infatuation? Was I in over my head? Was I just a means for this person to get back on their feet after being beat down? And if so, why me? What'd I do to receive such a nasty blow? What kind of horrible things have I done this year to be totally ripped of pride, dignity and lose something I cared about so deeply? Why the fuck am I writing this in a blog?

I'm just exhausted of exhausting this situation. I'm ready for the positive memories to be flooded out by the severity of the issue at hand so I can move along.

And my god, I hate U2 but:

DROOOOOOOOOOL

oh god, oh god, oh god

Trying really hard not to become a bitter old maid.

the most amazing thread i've ever read

the derelict of decisions

i have finally realized what my mother meant all along when she told me to make good decisions growing up because they ultimately effect the overall person you become. but i realize that making those decisions are so much less tangible then i thought. for me, it's the bad decisions you make that often spiral into unhealthy choices, toxic attractions. i've had a weekend, maybe one that was unsettling in a few ways, i needed it. i feel like an onion held together by bad decisions mixed with a few alright one's today. just stacking up on top of each other.

The Life of an Older Single Woman

Today In the Life and Times

We have attempted to figure out what the fuck the female name for a wizard is.

Stairway to Stardom

Haunted

I love this song!

HITS FROM THE BONG

Stoner Cuisine

PIG