I love Gary Busey. I also mistaked Nick Nolte for Gary whilst watching New York Stories.

Gone: Getting Over Negative Energy
Faith: Fantastic Adventures In Trusting Him
Sober: Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real
Fraud: Finding Relevant Answers Under Deception
Freedom: Facing Real Exciting Energy Developing Out of Miracles

I could really go for a...body massaaage. Body Massage. Body Massage.

I sat in my room on Friday night listening to growing and searching "Psychadelic Graphics". This was done in a completely sober state of mind. I think having a room to myself for the first time in years is really exciting me because I spend a good 80% of my time at home in my room, on my bed, and I like my roommate so I'm not avoiding. I should put up a drawstring with hooks from the fridge to my bed so that I can never leave. Reminds me of those little buckets they have in the waiting line for the ride Star Tours at Disneyland that have baskets of weird electronics. I also remember being a kid and thinking that was the ride and wondering how lard-o's would fit in the tiny baskets. Turns out I was just an imbecile which is probably part of the reason I got lost on the same day at Disneyland in line for the same ride. Man, I'd probably still cry the way I did that day if I lost my friends in Star Tours. That shit is whack.

I don't think I could stomache the death of a friend...ever, at all. But since I've moved I feel like I've suffered the death of several friendships, metaphorically speaking. Sometimes it feels like an effort just to control thought...making attempts to handle it. It's like watering a plant just to cut it down; investing at the brink of recession. What's the fucking point? And to love fully: deep and immersed only for the river to choke dry at the end of its path; doesn't lead to an ocean, doesn't lead to a beautiful spring, it just ends in dry oblivion nothing to offer but a sack of shit life left behind. It's all just too much.

Dizzy

After a little less than a week in Lake Tahoe I've switched my efforts of making certain I'm happy to continuing on my outdoor running path (meaning making certain I'm happy doesn't always include running in the course of the day therefore my efforts are switchiing to what one might call "healthiness") today was just fantastic...the milkman hollered at me and honked his horn. Pretty amazing, especially considering I don't get hit on, ever.

I've been relatively lazy with tidying the abode and the kitchen's in a complete state of disarray due to me. This is terrible considering I have had an insatiable hankering to cook and bake and a messy cookery never done no one good. Ah hell.

Tomorrow I'm going to work IN the hospital which I am rather excited about. Then work's having an art an wine festival followed by er, ugh a kickball game. Don't know how kickball and wine are going to mix. Nonetheless, I'm excited about it.

Roast

I'm going on a 2 month stint of eating roasted brussel sprouts, carrots, and kale a minimum of 3 times a week, sometimes more. I think I need to liven up my vegetable palate.

Burn! Burn! Burn!

My dresser is the worst investment I've ever made. I have to use my screws, hammer, and nails on a weekly basis to fix the hunk of junk only to end up in the same place I was a week prior: with a dresser that doesn't work. It makes it very difficult to keep my room clean and my belongings in place. I would like to take a match to it's light wood knobs and slowly watch it burn into flames that release joy and pleasure from all of the nights of cursing, anxiety, and time it's cost me. Maybe I'd even brand it "I am a waste of good materials". It'd be like the ending scene in "Wicker Man" but there'd be no human in the wood; so really, it wouldn't be anything like "Wicker Man".

This is symbolic of me with the dresser:



I really need to invest in a dresser that works.

Dirty hair and fingernails

I'm really confused by this new "fashion" I've been seeing a lot of lately, specifically on women, of not wearing makeup and looking like one has not bathed for 8 days. It's really unattractive and makes the world not want to touch nor be near the entire group of people engaging in this wretched subculture. What's wrong with bathing and not wearing unflattering vergeonhooker clothing? It is very dirty.

Joy!

As time passes and these life changes occur, I'm sitting back, relaxing and understanding things about myself, life, and the unbelievable amount of beauty in human kind.

It's been something that I've been struggling, so to say, with for a little while. And then something happened and I'm finding myself wrapped in this moment of life feeling completely joyous about the capacity and allowance of human beings to experience such an insane depth of beauty in all that is around us. In life, in the universe, in all that is. And to experience this beauty in such a free form, it's so magnificent!

Starting to understand what life is...ok, that statement is way too bold make. But I'm starting to understand why we pursue these crazy aspirations, why we make the decisions we do. And this thought, feeling, whatever the hell you want to call it, is probably something I'm going to be chiving the rest of my life.

Unrelenting, unfaltering, unwaivering. Totally consumed with being.