All I Want Is You

When is enough, enough? When is not enough, enough? I wish I could answer these questions myself. I still clutch for this person in the night and in the morning. No matter how poorly I was treated, no matter how fucked up everything that happened was, it still doesn't take away from the mere fact that all I want is said subject. For the last month, I've felt like an old building being demolished by a ball and crane, repeatedly. Just when I think I've made the right decision and I feel strong enough to stand again, all of these thoughts reinforce the feeling that I've lost something so dear to me, a friend, a companion, a great love. And with that positive reinforcement tags along so many unanswered questions: was it infatuation? Was I in over my head? Was I just a means for this person to get back on their feet after being beat down? And if so, why me? What'd I do to receive such a nasty blow? What kind of horrible things have I done this year to be totally ripped of pride, dignity and lose something I cared about so deeply? Why the fuck am I writing this in a blog?

I'm just exhausted of exhausting this situation. I'm ready for the positive memories to be flooded out by the severity of the issue at hand so I can move along.

And my god, I hate U2 but:

DROOOOOOOOOOL

oh god, oh god, oh god

Trying really hard not to become a bitter old maid.

the most amazing thread i've ever read

the derelict of decisions

i have finally realized what my mother meant all along when she told me to make good decisions growing up because they ultimately effect the overall person you become. but i realize that making those decisions are so much less tangible then i thought. for me, it's the bad decisions you make that often spiral into unhealthy choices, toxic attractions. i've had a weekend, maybe one that was unsettling in a few ways, i needed it. i feel like an onion held together by bad decisions mixed with a few alright one's today. just stacking up on top of each other.

The Life of an Older Single Woman

Today In the Life and Times

We have attempted to figure out what the fuck the female name for a wizard is.

Stairway to Stardom

Haunted

I love this song!

HITS FROM THE BONG

Stoner Cuisine

PIG

Battles! All Day!

Forgot about Battles then last night put on the album and I haven't taken the album off...

My Futtbucker Mix

<3 <3 <3
The list thus far:
Toto-Africa
The Eagles-Hotel California
Tom Petty-American Girl
Journey-Lights
Journey-Any Way You Want It
Jimmy Buffet-Margaritaville
Bob Seger-Old Time Rock n Roll
Don Henly-Boys of Summer
Don Mclean-American Pie
Kansas-Carry on Wayward Son
Pate Benetar-Love is a Battlefield
Heart-Magic Man
ACDC-You Shook Me All Night Long
Van Halen-Jump
Peter Frampton-I Love Your Ways
Steely Dan-Reeling in the Years
Steve Miller Band-The Joker
Queen-Fat-Bottomed Girls
Joe Walsh-Life's Been Good
Bryan Adams-Summer of '69

San Francisco Lunch

Bum with chickens as pets. WTFUCK?

HOLY SONOF MARY JESUS CHRIST

SO IN RUFF

HELL YEAH

METAL.

Latin Day

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

Up A Lazy River

Street Fighter

CHOLA LOVE

Abstraction

Analogy for my life is a stream and the parts of it:
Spring
The point at which a stream emerges from an underground course through unconsolidated sediments or through caves. A stream can, especially with caves, flow aboveground for part of its course, and underground for part of its course.
Source
The spring from which the stream originates, or other point of origin of a stream.
Headwaters
The part of a stream or river proximate to its source. The word is most commonly used in the plural where there is no single point source.
Confluence
The point at which the two streams merge. If the two tributaries are of approximately equal size, the confluence may be called a fork.
Run
A somewhat smoothly flowing segment of the stream.
Pool
A segment where the water is deeper and slower moving.
Riffle
A segment where the flow is shallower and more turbulent.
Channel
A depression created by constant erosion that carries the stream's flow.
Floodplain
Lands adjacent to the stream that are subject to flooding when a stream overflows its banks.
Stream bed
The bottom of a stream.
Gauging station
A point of demarkation along the route of a stream or river, used for reference marking or water monitoring.
Thalweg
The river's longitudinal section, or the line joining the deepest point in the channel at each stage from source to mouth.
Wetted perimeter
The line on which the stream's surface meets the channel walls.
Nickpoint
The point on a stream's profile where a sudden change in stream gradient occurs.
Waterfall or cascade
The fall of water where the stream goes over a sudden drop called a nickpoint; some nickpoints are formed by erosion when water flows over an especially resistant stratum, followed by one less so. The stream expends kinetic energy in "trying" to eliminate the nickpoint.
Mouth
The point at which the stream discharges, possibly via an estuary or delta, into a static body of water such as a lake or ocean.

What Next?

This week proved to be a pivotal point in my life to make a "career" move; whether that be to stay in my profession and take on more responsibility hence a job move or do I completely deflect where I'm going? I have so much reluctancy to move forward; sitting in front of my computer for the last 6 months with an empty search engine, not finding the approriate words to assist in this battle of WHAT THE FUCK I'M DOING. Do I just go ahead with the 4+ years idea of applying to the Peace Corp? Not sure the organization is right for me. Do I go back and get my Masters? It's so much easier to further education than settling into something that seems so final.

I started reading Walden this week; it's somehow comforting to read that Theorea was always under the shadow of Emerson, A Henry Darger type (to a much less degree).

Can I just move to the Sierra Nevadas and be a mom? Sometimes I severely envy the path's of my old schoolmates...but every decision is a "what if" situation and it seems as though my decisions have cast me elsewhere from those I once had more in common with.

I Would Really Like...

...one of the Tauntaun Sleeping Bags.

The House That Jack Built

This woman!!!

BABY!

YES!

STRENGTH!

Want to drink Lemonade on the porch with me? Oh, you do? I'll grab the crushed ice and mint! Oh that Nashville sound....

You ever feel this way? Let Al sing it for you.

Screw Nostalgia

I'm not even that big of an M. Ward fan and I'm a not even bigger fan of taking photos of myself but felt like I should captures how this song makes me feel.

equates to this in my facial expression:

Old and Cynical

I hate majority of people that have been in my life. The older I get, the shittier people get. Fuck people and the human race.

"WELCOME TO THE 90'S MR. BANKS"

Ask me how much I loved this movie growing up...

these are the "artists" associated with our generation? fucking kill me.



YOU DISGUST ME

It Was A Good Day

WASH YOURSELF

Today as I was getting on BART I saw a woman going down the escalator with what I assumed was wet hair. The fucking dumbass was standing going down the escalator (which inevitably pisses me off thanks to the stoned Nirvana interview in which they discuss the laziness of people that stand on escalators) and I, being the proactive person I am, started walking down the escalator to be greeted with a stench that was so fucking foul I started dry heaving. This woman's hair was not wet, it was grease and thanks to the escalator I was stuck with her foul, sweet, repulsive body odor waifing in the air to my nose. I literally dry heaved for a good 2 minutes and bolted to the next escalator after her because I knew I'd vomit everywhere if I was forced to be anywhere near that bitch again. Wipe your ass, take a shower and keep peace for the rest of the world. You're disgusting.

disney

Country

What is it about the summer months that just makes me want to listen to country?

San Francisco Shits

Everything about this photo SCREAMS San Francisco to me. The weird looking couple, the cheesy jumping, Telegraph Hill in the background. Cheeseball.

Aretha!

I never was a die hard Aretha Franklin fan and I don't know if it's this season of my life or what but I cannot get enough of the Queen of Soul. I'll be listneing to an album and hear a song I've never heard before and am totally blow the fuck away. Today it was this song:

SING IT GIRRRRL!

Better Half

I miss Nicole. I miss her everyday but today just a little more than most days.

Fugue and Prelude

You know you've had a weekend when you wake up and your tongue feels numb...from smoking cigs, not from acting like a hook. The past week I've been experiencing some issues with sneezing when I come to work and I cannot figure it out; no allergies, it's clean in our little patient room converted into office, so what the hell is possibly irritating my damn sinuses? Could someone please assess this situation? This sneezing got me thinking about all of those old urban legends 'n' myths 'n' shit and I do recall being told that it was illegal to sneeze while driving because humans cannot sneeze with their eyes open so it would obtruct their view. Sadly, I believed this tall tale and spread it like wildfire. I believed this until I turned 16 and started driving and of course I had to fucking sneeze a few times in my car and nothing happened, I drove like a pro therefore that was a bullshit myth.

There were other great myths that I've recently resurrected from the grave (aka my memory)and found out that none of them were true. Richard Gere and the gerbil, the slap bracelets colors symbolizing how far you'll go with a dude, the cooks jizzing in the Alfredo Sauce at Olive Garden, pretty much every single fast food restaurant had some nasty legend attached to it, the one about the lady having sex with a lobster and giving birth to mud worms, etc. I wish shit like that was still getting spread, well, I'm sure it's still being spread around I'm just not hearing about it. Anyway, I did some research and all of those are fake. WTF? LET DOWN.

Dedicated to the Marching Band

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aSKri_zeYQ

HOW ADORABLE!

Love the Pratt/Montag Duo

BAT'S DAY AT DISNEYLAND

Who else is going?

KENZIE!

GAH! SHE'S SO CUTE IT HURTS!!!

just because you had me like that doesn't mean you know me and that gives me comfort.

Mondo Cane

"Man is the only living being that comes into the world crying. Obstetricians say that crying helps breathing, it gets the lungs started. But we have a different opinion; we think that babies express their disappointments from having landed on this dog’s world. If it’s a boy, and handsome he may end up in a mess like Rossano Brazzi when he enters an American store to buy a shirt. But if it’s a girl, she may happen to be locked up until she gains those 120 kilos that, in her country, are barely sufficient to help her find a husband. But if she wants to marry a man from our areas, she needs to get back in shape by means of those tortures that lead the famous Lithuanian ethnologist Maria Elisabeta Kunkala to say: 'Holy knife, turn my heart to rust and make me die. God joined my hands and before they belong to another, with my very hands, I will stab my heart.'"

I'll write more about this later but...

I was thinking about my life this morning and in my case I'd have to say that with age, dreams become more pragmatic and tangible and less idealistic.

New Art Project

what have i gotten myself into?